


This One's For Real

by ideserveyou



Category: Arthur of the Britons
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, First Time, Horses, M/M, Riding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-04
Updated: 2012-10-04
Packaged: 2017-11-15 15:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/528826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ideserveyou/pseuds/ideserveyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur and Kai re-stage their horse race to see who'll be first man...</p>
            </blockquote>





	This One's For Real

**Author's Note:**

> Set during and after the canon episode 'Arthur is Dead'. Thanks to trepkos for beta-reading. Remaining errors are mine, all mine...

|  _Bruised and aching, I lie on my back, willing my pounding heart to silence lest it betray me.  
  
A little wind rustles the dry oak leaves overhead._  
  
  
  
 _I have bitten my lip. There is the taste of blood on my tongue.  
  
Hoofbeats shake the ground; there are running footsteps, and a quiet gasp.  
  
Then I feel Kai’s hands on me: gentle, careful, strong.  
  
His urgent whisper: “They’re coming. Be still now, and trust me.”  
  
His breath is warm on my cheek.  
  
The others come, and go, without question, as we knew they would. His voice does not falter as he says the words we agreed.  
  
Only when the hoofbeats have died away does he let himself waver, just for a moment, pressing a brief, fierce kiss on my mouth before riding away to meet Llud.  
  
My lips burn, all through the hours of waiting on the bier._  
  
…  
  
So… it’s over, at least for now, and our new allies have gone their separate ways. My axe is cleaned, my mead-cup is full, my brother is alive and victorious.  
  
But I don’t understand why his heart seems no lighter now; why he is still so serious; so careworn. The plan we made together – wasn’t it supposed to change all that?  
  
And after that moment under the tree… I had hoped that would change something, too.  
  
But he shakes off my encircling arm, and stalks away into the sleeping-place, his brow furrowed.  
  
I see Llud watching us, and I know better than to try to follow.  
  
I refill my cup and turn back to the company in the hall. Try to smile at Llud, try to get the mead down without it choking me, try not to think of Arthur lying pale and silent, piled with ferns and flowers.  
  
Try not to think of how it will be, if we fail.  
  
I hadn’t expected to feel it so. The planning, the race, even my stolen kiss under the tree, those were all just moves in a game, a gamble for high stakes, another adventure.  
  
Until Llud and I had gathered flowers, and went to lay them on the bier around our leader, arrayed in his funeral finery, and I looked at his still face and saw –  
  
Saw my future.  
  
It was not a game any more.  
  
If it was hard for our father too, he gave no sign of it, he of the iron self-control as well as the iron hand; and I had to play my part, and play it I did, for my life.  
  
At least the battle in the marsh gave me a breathing space, a chance to forget for a little while, to vent my fear and fury in the simple pleasure of swinging my axe and hurling my spears.  
  
I wish I had a hundred Saxons before me now. I would take them on single-handed, and relish the fight.  
  
Perhaps I would even be able to sleep, after.  
  
I reach for the mead jug again.  
  
Llud is still watching me.  
  
My gorge rises. Damn it, I will not leave it there. If I want a fight, here is one. Kai is gambling for high stakes tonight.  
  
I slam the pitcher down on the table, and go over to the minstrel in the doorway. ‘Leave him now,’ I order.  
  
‘Let the minstrel finish his song,’ Llud reproves me.  
  
‘Leave him,’ I repeat.  
  
The man looks uncertainly from me to Llud and back again. His fingers falter on the strings; his voice falls silent.  
  
Inside the room, Arthur sits unmoving in his great carven chair, his back to the door. He gives no sign of having heard me.  
  
‘Let him do his job, Kai.’ Llud’s voice is sharp.  
  
‘Let me do mine.’ My voice is sharper. I put my hand on the minstrel’s shoulder. ‘I say a third time, leave Arthur in peace now. He fights the battles; you make the songs; and I heal his wounds.’  
  
I do not look at Llud again. I have cast my lot. I go into the room, and bar the door behind me.  
  
Arthur doesn’t turn his head as I come to stand behind his chair, and lay my hands on his shoulders. Carefully, slowly, I begin to knead at the taut muscles, as I do after every fight.  
  
This small service, I do him willingly; he has never asked for more, nor have I offered it.  
  
But perhaps now…  
  
I take my courage in both hands, and go to stand before him.  
  
He looks up, his eyes dark with worry. He bears such a heavy burden, for the sake of us all; and I forget, too, that he is still so young.  
  
‘Not tonight, Kai,’ he says. ‘I am weary…’  
  
He needs his sleep; but what about what I need?  
  
‘The more reason to keep me with you, then. You can sleep without fear…’  
  
‘I said, not tonight.’ His voice has an edge keener even than his sword-blade. ‘I need time to think. Too much has changed.’  
  
‘Too much, and yet not enough,’ I insist, the mead making me bold.  
  
‘I have spoken. Do not make me say it a third time.’  
  
‘But –’  
  
‘But what, Kai?’  
  
He sounds utterly weary, and suddenly I am ashamed of myself.  
  
‘But… We never found out who would have won,’ I say.  
  
A faint smile plays around his mouth; there is a spark of challenge in his eyes. ‘Tomorrow?’  
  
‘Tomorrow.’ I give him my hand on it.  
  
My heart is singing with hope as I go back into the hall, to make my peace with Llud and the minstrel.  
  
Llud gives me the night-watch, as a penance.  
  
I don’t care. I doubt I’d have slept much anyway.  
  
  
…  
  
  
‘Kai!’  
  
The bastard! The cheating, devious, brilliant bastard! I pound my heels into my horse’s flanks and pursue with all speed, gaining a little ground through the forest, but with no hope of catching him now.  
  
His white horse is still ahead of my black, by a length or more, as we thunder past the oak tree that is our winning post.  
  
Arthur reins in and waits, a smug smile on his face.  
  
I am angry now: with him, with myself. I should have known he’d pull that trick. I shouldn’t have fallen for it…  
  
‘I cede the victory.’ His most gracious, lofty, infuriating tone. ‘You’d have won if you hadn’t turned back for me. And I knew you would.’  
  
Then he sees my face… ‘What?’  
  
I want to hit him. I want to fling him from his horse, bring him down to earth, kiss him senseless. I don’t know what I want.  
  
I take a deep breath. ‘Arthur… Yesterday.’ My throat closes around the words I would say; my face is flaming, and I can’t meet those blue eyes.  
  
‘It was for real, then.’  
  
I could spare him; could lie, to save my pride. Pretend it was part of the game, and hope everything can return to how it was.  
  
But I will not. I will fight this battle, too.  
  
‘It was for real. I… This has been coming for a long time. I don’t even recall when I first knew. And if it is not the same with you, too, then…’ I make myself look at him. ‘I swear I will not force myself on you. I’ll leave the village, make a life for myself elsewhere.’  
  
Arthur’s face is blank, unreadable; he makes no reply.  
  
I have lost.  
  
Oh gods, I have lost.  
  
I cannot stay here. I jerk the reins, kick my startled mount into a gallop, and hurtle off, somewhere, anywhere…  
  
A cry from behind me: ‘Kai!’  
  
But this time I don’t turn round.  
  
The wind whips at my eyes, drawing stinging tears; the joy and hope of this new morning is turned to ashes and dust.  
  
‘Kai!’  
  
He is gaining on me. I can’t stop, not now. I don’t know what to say to him. It’s as though I showed myself to him, naked, and now he knows all my shame, my weakness. I can’t let him catch up with me; can’t bear for him to see my face.  
  
‘Kai!’  
  
He’s right alongside me. My horse is doing his best, but the poor beast’s tiring; he’s run one race already today.  
  
There is the taste of salt in my mouth. I don’t turn my head.  
  
Arthur leans over and grabs at my bridle. The horse whinnies and rears; Arthur’s mount flinches aside as mine kicks and struggles, and Arthur is pulled out of the saddle, landing on his back with a sickening thud.  
  
Just like yesterday.  
  
The white horse thunders off through the scrubby trees. I pull mine to a halt; slide to the ground, and run back to where Arthur is lying motionless.  
  
No, no, please the gods, let it not be for real this time.  
  
His face is pale and his eyes shut tight, but as I fall to my knees beside him, I see his chest heave for breath, and the pulse beating in his throat.  
  
‘Kai,’ he whispers, as I run my trembling hands over him, checking for injuries.  
  
‘You were lucky you didn’t break anything,’ I growl, through clenched teeth.  
  
‘But I  _did_.’ His blue eyes open wide.  
  
‘What? Where?’ Feverishly, I begin to inspect all his limbs again; but he takes hold of my hand, and clasps it to his chest.  
  
‘My heart… and yours…’  
  
It takes a little while to realise what he’s just said. And a rather longer while for us to come up for air, after a kiss that is deeper and sweeter than the one I stole yesterday; and all the better for being unquestionably welcome this time.  
  
‘This one’s for real,’ I laugh, tracing the curve of his mouth with a fingertip.  
  
‘And this one,’ he says, pulling me down beside him.  
  
I’m shaking all over, whether from fear, or relief, or just the shock of suddenly being given what I have desired for so long, when I had thought it would be forever denied me.  
  
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmurs into my hair, ‘so sorry, my heart… I turned you away, last night, because…’  
  
‘I don’t need to know why. You don’t need to justify yourself to me. It’s enough that we’re here, together. The past doesn’t matter. It’s what’s to come that’ll be the good part.’  
  
‘I hope so.’  
  
‘I  _know_  so.’  
  
We lie there for a while, wrapped tightly together on the dewy grass, until we’ve stopped shivering and begun to be comforted.  
  
‘We should go home,’ Arthur says presently.  
  
‘Do we have to?’ I run my hand over the smooth curve of his arse, wondering how it would feel if he didn’t have his breeches on.  
  
He sighs, and presses closer against me; I can feel his hardness against my thigh.  
  
‘No, but the horses will have got back to the village by now, and Llud will be out looking for us.’  
  
‘And what Llud sets out to look for, he always finds.’  
  
Arthur grins. ‘And I don’t think he’s quite ready to find us like this.’  
  
So we trade a few more kisses, breathless and clumsy, each one more difficult to break off than the last, until Arthur turns his head away by sheer strength of will, gets up, and pulls me to my feet.  
  
We dust each other down and pick the leaves out of each other’s hair, and set off homewards.  
  
‘Llud will have to know sometime,’ Arthur says thoughtfully, as we crest the hill and see the smoke from the village below us.  
  
I think of our father’s keen eyes watching us last night. ‘He already does.’  
  
‘So… what do we tell him, when he asks who won the race?’  
  
‘Tell him the truth,’ I say. ‘Tell him we both did.’  
  
  
…  
  
  
 _Bruised and aching, I lie on my bed, biting my lip to keep silent.  
  
A draught whistles through a crack in the shutters.  
  
There is a taste like earth on my tongue.  
  
My heartbeats shake my body; my breath comes in gasps.  
  
Then I feel Kai’s hands on me: gentle, careful, strong.  
  
An urgent whisper: ‘I’m coming. Let go now, and trust me.’  
  
His breath is warm on my cheek._  
---


End file.
